Grass Powder--Its Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

Saving the world, one VW at a time

My old trick of avoiding sales pitches by claiming not to speak Czech has been totally backfiring lately. A while back some Mormon missionaries approached me on the street, speaking Czech. "I'm American, I don't speak Czech." Well, they were American Mormon missionaries, of course, who'd recently arrived and were feeling a little dazed and confused. A couple of nice girls who were on a mission from God. So then it was, "How long have you been here?", etc, etc. Despite my penchant for internet rants, and the fact that I don't actually like people (well most of them), I don't go out of my way to be discourteous to people who don't deserve it, so I was 15 minutes detained, and I didn't mention Christopher Hitchens once. Yeah I know, slings and arrows and all that.

Well, this morning it backfired again. Whilst stopping at the local organic food store to buy some high-fat Austrian Alps grass-fed milk for the kid, my, "I don't speak Czech," ended up with me drinking reconstituted grass powder. Yes, dear readers, I go extreme so you don't have to. The woman at the promo table didn't speak English very well, and was quite enthusiastic about the grass powder, so it was long and tedious, but the silver lining in the back of my mind--I'm totally going to mock this on my blog.

What I actually consumed wasn't simple grass powder, it was young barley grass powder from the mountains of Utah mixed with what I can only assume was fair trade, locally sourced, 100% organic water (I forgot to ask). Something like this, but actually this. All I can say is that it tasted as bad as it sounds. But besides being chock full of vitamins and minerals, it detoxifies the body, it kills bad bacteria and feeds the good kind, it beats up minotaurs blindfolded and causes supernovas to quake in mortal terror. It is the Tim Ferris of food, at least according to the sales pitch.

And what is up with 'detoxifying' the body? [insert Charlie Sheen joke here] It has to be the most vapid, idiotic meme floating around the health world--hence its guaranteed immortality. Personally I love toxins, love them! [Full disclosure--I receive substantial "consulting fees" from the Toxic Waste Producers Cabal (TWPC)] Eating grass to 'detoxify' the body is like bombing a country to promote world peace.

And I haven't even gotten to the best part.

Grass powder is healthy, according to the sales pitch I got, because it contains live enzymes. Wait, did I say detoxing the body was the stupidest health meme ever? I take it all back.

Enzymes are simply chemical catalysts. They speed up reactions. They don't come close to fitting any of the criteria for life such as responding to stimuli, reproducing, hating that song from Titanic, etc. And even if they were once alive, would they still be after drying them out, grinding them up, and shipping them halfway across the world and mixing them with water? Keith Richards would have a hard time surviving all that.