Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Ron Swanson Rocks

I consider Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock the two funniest shows on American television, or even in recent memory. 30 Rock often takes the edge with its dialogue ("I never sleep on planes, I don't want to be incepted"). But the most recent episode of P&R has cemented libertarian meat-lover Ron Swanson's place as the greatest TV character ever.

Ron doesn't put anything in his body but meat and whisky and his favorite dining establishment is Charles Mulligan's Steak House ("The best damn steak house in the damn state").


"I have taken a picture of every steak I’ve ever eaten there."


"June 2004, Porterhouse medium rare, Béarnaise sauce. January 2000, they call this one ‘The Enforcer’. February 1996. The steak, rib-eye. The whisky, Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me, a bitch. Specifically my ex-wife Tammy. Ok this is the first time I ever went there . . . look at me, just a kid"


Unbeknownst to our meat loving hero, calamities are soon to strike, not just one but in whole battalions. 

Mulligan's steakhouse has been closed due to a health code violation.


And what Rob Lowe is grilling at home is not steak but Portabello mushrooms ("A healthier option, organically grown").


This double onslaught of tragedy causes Ron to go weak in the knees.


Eventually, Ron goes to a diner, and after sending back a mediocre excuse for a steak, delivers these soon-to-be classic lines in perfect deadpan:
"Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

Wait … wait.

I worry what you just heard was: 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs'. What I said was: 'Give me all the bacon and eggs you have'. Do you understand?"


As the waiter turns away, Ron clenches his fist and furrows his eyebrows in pain and despair at having to live in a world where grilled Portabello mushrooms can be considered an entree.


Ron Swanson, you are my hero.

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