Saturday, April 30, 2011

More Awesomeness From Ron Swanson

Last week, television's greatest libertarian carnivore had a run-in with his uber-positive health nut boss Rob Lowe over the cancellation of red meat in the government commissary.

Here's Rob doing some dips. The guy looks pretty damn good at 47.

As Rob (well his character actually) explains to Ron, "Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence."

To which Ron replies, "Has the opposite effect on me."

Me too, Ron, me too.

"Ever tried a turkey burger?"

"Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes, delicious."

"A turkey burger, you take lean ground turkey meat, you make that into a burger instead of red meat."

"Why would anyone do that to themselves?"

"What if told you I could make a turkey burger that tastes better than any other burger you've ever had?"

"Challenge accepted, cook-off later today in the courtyard. If I win, hamburgers remain in the commissary."

In order to get the best ingredients for his turkey burgers, Rob needs pop over to the nearest health food store, Grain 'n Simple, a mere 40 minute drive.

I love the name.

Ron Swanson tags along. Not because he plans to buy anything. But "for the same reason people go to the zoo."

"Shhhhh! Look at that thing."

"Nature is amazing."

While browsing around Grain 'n Simple, Ron is asked by a sexless, emaciated vegan if he would like to sample some vegan bacon ("100% meatless").

Obviously they got an actual vegan to play this part
"Yes, please," says Ron, who proceeds to throw it in the trash.

Ron asks for another piece which he also throws away, explaining, "I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this."

Ron stops off at his favorite store, Food and Stuff to buy some beef.

A man who knows what he wants.

At the cook-off, Rob Lowe goes first.

“I humbly place before you my ‘East meets West’ patented Traeger turkey burger, an Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, a toasted Taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aioli and microgreens on a gluten-free brioche bun. Enjoy!”

Everyone is quite pleased. Next is Ron's entry.

"It's a hamburger made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less."

Ron's meat on a bun blows away Rob Lowe's turkey burgers.

"I don't understand, I've, I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted, it's been a long time since I've had a hamburger ... "

"This is better. The commissary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers!"

As Ron explains, "Turkey can never beat cow, Chris, sorry."

Truer words were never spoken, on or off TV.

I'm curious if Ron Swanson and his libertarian carnivore lifestyle are supposed to be purely ironic by the writers of Parks and Rec who "know" that he's wrong or if there are some crypto-paleoish writers on the staff.

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